I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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