Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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