Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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