bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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