First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
