You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize