My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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