i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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