I think i peed on brittanys purse
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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