time to smoke my breakfast
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
