I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
