I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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