is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
