oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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