Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
