I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My balls are so social today.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
