Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Less talking, more tequila
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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