if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize