Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
