I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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