oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
