How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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