a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
