You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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