i just made my gag reflex go away.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
