everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
