some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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