So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize