he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
