There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
