Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
