I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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