she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
