it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
