Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
