Cold hands, warm shart.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
