saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
