When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
