I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
