i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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