You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
