just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
