Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
