I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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