Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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