I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
smell my finger.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
