Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have tasted many bathrooms
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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