I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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