highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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