im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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