do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
When are your genitals available?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
