it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
