Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
