The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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