two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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