Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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