I'm going to jail i love you
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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