are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize