Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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