I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
