Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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