forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
