you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
